this is how a typical night would go at jumpin' cholla (at least for the first two weeks)
please sing this list to the tune of "the twelve days of christmas"....and perhaps these should be hours rather than days.....hmmm
12 drug deals
11 stray cats
10 whiffs of pot smoke
9 crack vials
8 prostitutes
7 gun shots
6 drunk residents
5 movies on dane's mini dvd player
4 certifiably crazy women with small pets and no electricty
3 homeless guys
2 drunken brawls
and a stoned man and his dog
and of course like anywhere..typical is never just typical...
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
on the job training...in crackland
so my first assignment was to a tiny apartment complex in the middle of town...a very shaddy part of town i might add (and no i don't mean blissfully out of the hot az sun either)...and i have come to worry about the folks who live there that i've gotten to know...i guess that's part of being a guard...you should want to help the people who live there...rather than my first impression....which was "gee, i'm being hired to protect the property from the residents..."
and so i drove over to work, without a uniform yet....you cannot get one until you are official and get your liscence (read from here on as guard card) from the state...and so i pull in to find that the person i'm working with for the night hasn't arrived yet...and i'm not sure what to do with myself....so i get out of my truck to prop against it and wait....
there was an older hispanic man sitting on the stoop of the second floor of what i will call the west side...cause there's only 2 buildings....and he yells down to me "yo man. you lost?" so i walked over and said "no..here for job training..as a security guard."....to which he replies...."huh...you should be well trained to recognize bullshit then, hanging out here....you gotta watch out for the people.....you got a gun?" (see i told you)...."no..i'm not that kind of guard"...and he says...."well don't worry about it....lots of us round here got one if you need it.".....i say thanks...i think holy shit.....
i am saved from further conversation by the rumbling of a huge chevy truck as it pulls in the parking lot and then backs into a space.....it is my coworker, dane in his sister-in-law's fancypants truck....he hops out, and i can tell he is coming at me as if to discover my reason for invading his territory....no not in some ultra menacing way....i don't think he's even old enough to pull off ultra menacing...just determined...so i stuck out my hand, introduced myself and told him i'd be hanging out with him for a while.....to which he looked really releaved....and of course our employer had failed to mention that i would be working with him..for the next two weeks...
and so, since i know you are dying for the ten cent tour at this point, i give you the amazing tour of (for our purposes) jumpin' cholla apartments.....
if you stand where i parked the first night, the south parking lot, this is what you see
a total of 12 parking spaces...two of which are occupied by cars that run but look as if they shouldn't....if you look left (as i am facing north) there is a 2 story, 20 unit building of white cinderblock with peeling blue trim (the west building), face the center and there are two sort of scraggly trees, an organically shaped swimming pool that is fairly clean and would take like 40 laps to equal 1 in an olympic pool, and a tiny building with a coke machine that rattles and leans as if it might topple over at any second..it was a pleasant surprise to discover that it worked,,,,the tiny building that seriously MIGHT be the size of my living room was divided in half...on the west side was the laundry room that was big enough for two washers and two driers and a closet that held the hot water heater....the other half was the theoretical apartment complex office...which was supposed to be occupied 24/7 but was occupied only once for about 15 mins one night that i worked that complex.....turn left and there is the second 20 unit cinderblock 2 story building with peeling blue trim (the east building)......and the north parking lot was basically the same size as the south..... with a 30 year old white van with four flat tires and no widows, and that was filled with scrap lumber, coke cans and broken glass...and appeared to be the home of several stray cats...and a green chevy pickup that ran but that looked like it had been flipped over at least twice.....there was also a scattering of livingroom furnature outside being used as lawn furnature, pot plants in front of a few places that look like they died 5 years ago, a few bicycles...not necessarily in working order either and quite a few shoping carts.....
all i could think is..what the crap did i get myself into?....which i would think more and more often for the first couple weeks....closely followed by...where's the bathroom?
i turn to dane....so where's the rest room?,,,he smiles and point to the tree nearest us....um you've got to be kidding....to which he says...well there's always that shed you can piss behind or under the stairs.....
so dear reader i pause on this lovely discussion of pissing out of doors to say this.....oh i can hold it......oh yes i can....i've been known to hold it for 12 or 13 hours due to lack of bathroom....i tried to hold it across texas once....but the state is just too damn big......
i just shake my head and mutter "great place"....while thinking ...huh...i haven't purchased that dick yet.....this will be fun......
oh and it was.....oh yes it was.......
and so i drove over to work, without a uniform yet....you cannot get one until you are official and get your liscence (read from here on as guard card) from the state...and so i pull in to find that the person i'm working with for the night hasn't arrived yet...and i'm not sure what to do with myself....so i get out of my truck to prop against it and wait....
there was an older hispanic man sitting on the stoop of the second floor of what i will call the west side...cause there's only 2 buildings....and he yells down to me "yo man. you lost?" so i walked over and said "no..here for job training..as a security guard."....to which he replies...."huh...you should be well trained to recognize bullshit then, hanging out here....you gotta watch out for the people.....you got a gun?" (see i told you)...."no..i'm not that kind of guard"...and he says...."well don't worry about it....lots of us round here got one if you need it.".....i say thanks...i think holy shit.....
i am saved from further conversation by the rumbling of a huge chevy truck as it pulls in the parking lot and then backs into a space.....it is my coworker, dane in his sister-in-law's fancypants truck....he hops out, and i can tell he is coming at me as if to discover my reason for invading his territory....no not in some ultra menacing way....i don't think he's even old enough to pull off ultra menacing...just determined...so i stuck out my hand, introduced myself and told him i'd be hanging out with him for a while.....to which he looked really releaved....and of course our employer had failed to mention that i would be working with him..for the next two weeks...
and so, since i know you are dying for the ten cent tour at this point, i give you the amazing tour of (for our purposes) jumpin' cholla apartments.....
if you stand where i parked the first night, the south parking lot, this is what you see
a total of 12 parking spaces...two of which are occupied by cars that run but look as if they shouldn't....if you look left (as i am facing north) there is a 2 story, 20 unit building of white cinderblock with peeling blue trim (the west building), face the center and there are two sort of scraggly trees, an organically shaped swimming pool that is fairly clean and would take like 40 laps to equal 1 in an olympic pool, and a tiny building with a coke machine that rattles and leans as if it might topple over at any second..it was a pleasant surprise to discover that it worked,,,,the tiny building that seriously MIGHT be the size of my living room was divided in half...on the west side was the laundry room that was big enough for two washers and two driers and a closet that held the hot water heater....the other half was the theoretical apartment complex office...which was supposed to be occupied 24/7 but was occupied only once for about 15 mins one night that i worked that complex.....turn left and there is the second 20 unit cinderblock 2 story building with peeling blue trim (the east building)......and the north parking lot was basically the same size as the south..... with a 30 year old white van with four flat tires and no widows, and that was filled with scrap lumber, coke cans and broken glass...and appeared to be the home of several stray cats...and a green chevy pickup that ran but that looked like it had been flipped over at least twice.....there was also a scattering of livingroom furnature outside being used as lawn furnature, pot plants in front of a few places that look like they died 5 years ago, a few bicycles...not necessarily in working order either and quite a few shoping carts.....
all i could think is..what the crap did i get myself into?....which i would think more and more often for the first couple weeks....closely followed by...where's the bathroom?
i turn to dane....so where's the rest room?,,,he smiles and point to the tree nearest us....um you've got to be kidding....to which he says...well there's always that shed you can piss behind or under the stairs.....
so dear reader i pause on this lovely discussion of pissing out of doors to say this.....oh i can hold it......oh yes i can....i've been known to hold it for 12 or 13 hours due to lack of bathroom....i tried to hold it across texas once....but the state is just too damn big......
i just shake my head and mutter "great place"....while thinking ...huh...i haven't purchased that dick yet.....this will be fun......
oh and it was.....oh yes it was.......
Sunday, April 1, 2007
what is it that you want to know?
top five questions asked of someone who has just been newly hired as a security guard on the board....
*kiss kiss* and the lady says....do you get to carry a gun?
survey says??? number one answer!
ah yes...the first thing from most people's lips is "do you get to carry a gun?"....my answer: no..... and sometimes: should i want to?
no. 2 so if you aren't carrying a gun, then what do you carry to protect yourself?
this question is often followed by several well considered options like a tazer, cause that could be fun? a billy club? mace?
the answer is my cell phone and a pencil and paper because my job is to "observe and report:
no. 3 is usually a comment on number 2 like...what?? observe and report?? and no weapon??
and my answer is usually...right
no. 4 logically follows with....so how big is your flashlight then?
that's kinda personal don't you think? and actually it's rather small...but i've discovered that size doesn't really matter if it's a well made flashlight, and i know how to use it properly.....
no. 5 aren't you scared? or are you at a mall?
well....who wouldn't be when you are guarding crackland?...but i think i would also be afraid in the mall as well....out in front of claire's....all that pink and girly crap could totally cut into my hyper macho way of being.....
and i must include this most favorite of the questions i've been asked...even if it has come up only once: "so are you doing this as an art project?"
are you kidding? no!
i'm doing this for my blog
*kiss kiss* and the lady says....do you get to carry a gun?
survey says??? number one answer!
ah yes...the first thing from most people's lips is "do you get to carry a gun?"....my answer: no..... and sometimes: should i want to?
no. 2 so if you aren't carrying a gun, then what do you carry to protect yourself?
this question is often followed by several well considered options like a tazer, cause that could be fun? a billy club? mace?
the answer is my cell phone and a pencil and paper because my job is to "observe and report:
no. 3 is usually a comment on number 2 like...what?? observe and report?? and no weapon??
and my answer is usually...right
no. 4 logically follows with....so how big is your flashlight then?
that's kinda personal don't you think? and actually it's rather small...but i've discovered that size doesn't really matter if it's a well made flashlight, and i know how to use it properly.....
no. 5 aren't you scared? or are you at a mall?
well....who wouldn't be when you are guarding crackland?...but i think i would also be afraid in the mall as well....out in front of claire's....all that pink and girly crap could totally cut into my hyper macho way of being.....
and i must include this most favorite of the questions i've been asked...even if it has come up only once: "so are you doing this as an art project?"
are you kidding? no!
i'm doing this for my blog
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